Writers aren’t like other people. This will be no surprise to anyone who is friends with, dating, married to, or trapped at the world’s longest family reunion with one. Elevators are bad too. The people who hang around us are, well, to tell you the truth, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with them.

Did they lose a bet or are they just that lonely?

Because we can be hard to be around. We can be uber-serious and intense or ridiculous and flighty, often in the same dinner. Occasionally in the same sentence. And moody? Fuggetaboutit. At times, we make PMS seem like a leisurely tour of your favorite candy factory.

I know that because somebody with chronic PMS told me—while she was suffering from chronic PMS. And she used a lot of modifiers I don’t feel comfortable writing here.

There are children who read this blog for crying out loud. And agents.

At least I hope there are some agents reading.

But I digress.

So here’s a list of things you may or may not know about writers. I hope you’re taking notes. Actually, it’d be silly to take notes because it’s on the Internet. Seriously, if you get trapped by a writer at a party or an adjacent urinal, just pull out your phone and pull up my blog.

Ready? Here goes…

1. We don’t wear tweed jackets with patches on the elbows. Okay, fine, there is one guy, but the rest of us are holding an intervention. If that doesn’t work, we’re exiling him to Downton Abbey.
2. We don’t procrastinate. Darn, I intended to put that one first.
3. The things we write are NOT our babies. Go visit a nursery, why doncha? Or again, there’s always the Internet. There’s probably time now—lots of writers have small bladders.
4. We do accept as our God-given right that any stupid, horrible, loathsome, or embarrassing thing you say or do is legally ours to appropriate and put into a story. Just pray we don’t give the character who says or does it a name that can easily be traced to you, Sandy Newkiss. I’m just sayin’.
5. We often will pay more attention to the table behind us, or beside us, when we have dinner or drinks with you. That’s not to say you’re not interesting. I’m sure whatever you were talking about was fascinating. I must have been on the edge of my seat.
6. We don’t always stick you with the check, either. We’re perfectly capable of paying for our own sushi, thank you very much.

Speaking of which, “Do you mind getting that? I seem to have lost my wallet.”