In high school, there was this dance called Sadie Hawkins. Which was held on or around Sadie Hawkins Day—November 13—though some places celebrate it only every four years on leap year day. On Sadie Hawkins Day, the girls ask out the guys, for dancing, for dates, for marriage.

Wikipedia calls it “an American folk event and pseudo-holiday,” though it’s celebrated in other countries as well. The whole Sadie Hawkins concept came from the Li’l Abner comic strips of the ’30s and ’40s.

Pay attention. There will be a test.

The story goes that Sadie Hawkins was an unattractive hillbilly girl who couldn’t find a guy and was in danger of becoming a spinster. Cue the ominous organ music. So the townspeople of Dogpatch—the made-up place where all the Li’l Abner people lived—held a race. If Sadie could catch one of Dogpatch’s eligible bachelors, she could marry him without any rose giving or reality TV.

This long introduction to today’s blog serves many purposes:

1. In keeping with the latest theme—I hate blogs; blogs are evil—it gets me closer to my word count goal, which is always a plus.
2. It introduces the concept of opposite day, the real subject of this blog-rant … word count permitting.
3. It provides a little history and education, which my muse hates. Which is actually a reason to do it more often in the future. But point 3 is actually a digression.

Thanksgiving was this past week, and many people cheated on their blogs by spouting platitudes and listing things they’re thankful for. I chose to cheat another way: the Sadie Hawkins way.

I choose to list the things I am not thankful for. Here goes.

I am not thankful for:

• People who drive around with no destination or timetable. First of all, I get that if you don’t really have a place to go, it doesn’t matter when you get there. But, I’m the guy behind you and the only reason I’m out at all is that I have somewhere to go and usually a time I need to be there. So get out of my way. Seriously. If you want to sightsee in your car, sit in the garage and tape postcards to your windshield. You’re happy, I’m happy—let’s make it a law!
• Movie theaters with assigned seating. I’m paying almost $20 to watch a glorified television surrounded by people who actually seem to think they’re at home watching television as a background for their conversation. Shut up. Go home. Let me sit where I want, preferably far away from what you said to Stan at work today that really showed him. Go sit in a garage with your cell phone and watch iTunes. You and Siri can chat your heads off.
• First-come, first-served deli counters. If you’re gonna offer deli food—slice people’s meat and cheese and what have you—make it fair. Have the human decency to install one of those “take a number” dispensers. Nobody likes to wait, but we can tolerate it if it’s fair. Relying on the memories of the bored high school kids and failed lunch ladies to serve who was next is like expecting a platoon of Big Foots to ride their unicorns in the local Veteran’s Day parade. Sorry, it was the only truly ridiculous thing I could say without getting all political.
• Either snow or rain. Better yet, just let the sun shine.
• Christmas decorations in September. It’s still freakin’ summer, moron.

I’d list more but I’m already over my word count.

Holiday responsibly.