The human brain is a wild and wonderful, dangerous thing. It’s also one of the more misunderstood of the body parts, second only to the primary and secondary sex organs, which get better PR. And star in more movies.

It might also interest you to know that the brain is the only body part that cares about its social standing. Can you blame it? Three pounds and more than half of that is fat—the chubby little kid standing in the corner of the cranium, feeling all the feels and wishing someone would ask it to the dance.

And let’s talk feelings. The other body parts use feelings, talk about feelings, brag to their friends about them … but the brain actually has them. Processes them for everybody else like the nerd who does the homework for the cool kids.

And what does the brain get for it? Lies and rumors? They say it uses about 10% of its capacity, the ultimate underachiever. But the truth is, the brain gets involved. Kissing “the one” lights up the brain like a Christmas tree at the North Pole that Mrs. Claus decorated while she was taking ecstasy. The brain is in there for all it’s worth.

Ten percent; ten perschment. And what is the other 90 percent supposed to do? Watch? Take attendance? Make up urban legends about the brain?

Speaking of which, alcohol doesn’t kill brain cells, not even the way my muse drinks. It’s a myth brought to you by the same people who told you that Eskimos have 10,000 different words for snow. They don’t. They’ve got better things to do with their time. That’s how they punish bad Eskimos—they make them stay after school and force them to name snow.

Or maybe not. Maybe this is a full-on digression. I’m taking no prisoners and no snow. But back to your brain.

Question: Are you left-brained or right-brained? Take a minute. I’ll wait.

Time’s up. If you answered that question, you’re wrong. The truth is that creative people use their right brain hemisphere and their left brain hemisphere … even when they do creative things. Likewise, or unlikewise, sciencey people use the left and the right for sciencey stuff. And politicians split the difference and use none whatsoever.

Oh, and when Tim from grade school used to run around saying, “I’m a lefty. That means I’m the only one in my right mind.” You were right to hit him. Not only does he know nothing about the human brain.

He’s using the wrong hand.