About a year ago, I wrote a little blog about life’s little mysteries, questions that most people probably don’t ever think about. Probably because they don’t have weekly blogs they need to write.

One of the jobs of a writer is to ask the questions that no one else is asking. That no one dares to ask. Often because no one cares to ask them. So at the risk of being that person in long, boring meetings that has just one more thing they need cleared up, I have questions. Questions they don’t answer in restaurants no matter how many appetizers you buy.

Questions that keep me up at night, playing the stereo really, really loud because I not only believe that misery loves company, but I believe it must be shared, like your kid’s report card grades at parties.

That guy is at literally every party I go to. Seriously.

But I digress.

So help my neighbors get some shut-eye and riddle me this. Or is it these?

Question 1: Do couples still have songs? Did they ever? Or is that just some cruel Hollywood myth, like attractive women liking smart men twice their age? I mean, my girlfriend and I don’t have a song. We also don’t really have a meet-cute story. Does that mean we should break up or buy more music?

Question 1a: What if you like different genres of music? Like, say, you’re classical and she’s rap? Do you have to merge them? “Baby Got Back” against a sample track of Beethoven’s 5^th Symphony? And if there are children, what would they listen to? Or would the juxtaposition of styles turn them into bitter, tone-deaf CPAs?

I’m asking for a friend.

Question 2: Do people still “go steady?” And more to the point, what are the alternatives? Going wobbly? Going spastically? And if so, would the insult “What a spazz!” lose its relevance?

Question 2a: Was “What a spazz!” ever a relevant insult or were people just doing insults wrong?

Question 3: Why are the outdated sayings so much more creative than the crap we say today? In the ’50s, if you saw a cute girl, you might say she was the bee’s knees. Now I don’t really know why that’s a compliment—perhaps a spazz started it—but at least it evokes an image. I guess smokin’ hot does, too. It evokes an image of repetitive redundancy.

And then it does again.

Question 4: Who cares? My neighbor. He’s very passionate about this stuff. You should hear the things he yells at me in the middle of the night. Some of it can get pretty disturbing. So I have to turn the volume up even higher. And then it’s just a vicious cycle.

Question 5: Did you notice that somewhere along the line I became the answerer and not the asker? I did. Life is strange.

Question 6: How much longer is this going to go on? Not much longer at all.

See?