Happy New Year. I realize I’m a week late, but time moves differently in the blog-o-sphere. In here, the year is 1986, and the temperature is a balmy 12 degrees Fahrenheit. I don’t know the precise Celsius conversion, but trust me when I say it’s really cold.

But I digress.

The topic d’jour this time of year is resolutions. And I wanted to jump on the bandwagon before you break all of yours. For some, I know I am already too late. Condolences. But seriously, set more reasonable goals next year, okay?

And lay off the comfort food.

Another digression.

Sigh. Shaping up to be one of those years already. So, let’s get into it.

I didn’t make any resolutions this year. But before you scream, “Coward!” and run off to tell my mom Iike the whiney little tattle-tale you are, let me explain. As a writer, I’ve learned that, for me, New Year’s resolutions are a work of fiction. Even the thought that I can tie a bad habit to a date on the calendar in the hopes of shaming myself into breaking that habit is ludicrous.

If I don’t want change bad enough to man (or woman) up and do something about it on my own, an impotent, made-up, magical resolution will be as effective as jumping off the roof of my house using a drug-store umbrella as a parachute. I’ll just be laying there, broken-legged in the driveway, still craving the late-night snacks I quote resolved end quote to give up.

I need better accountability than simply making a resolution.

And so do you.

So I have a few suggestions to help you do what a silly resolution never could.

For those of you who resolve to lose weight, try this: entertain more. Post your current weight in the bathroom above the toilet so everyone can see and only weigh yourself in the presence of your most competitive, gossipy friend. You’ll either lose weight or have to move to another city. Losing weight is cheaper, especially on the west coast.

For those of you who want to quit or cut down on drinking, try this: with every beer or glass of wine, take a powerful laxative. You’ll either meet your goal or die of severe dehydration—a condition marked by not drinking. So stock up on ex-lax, books, and magazines.

For those who want to quit smoking, try this: let your best friend and the friend that has the most competitive relationship with you clean your house or apartment. Make it like an Easter egg hunt, and give them a cash bonus for every stashed pack of cigarettes they find. If you’re in a relationship, give your significant other your cash and credits cards. It’ll make you really irritable, but your lungs will be crystal clear.

Finally, for those of you who resolve to have a thicker skin, try this: become a writer. Everyone will become your judge and critic. Everyone will share their opinion on how you should live your life, what you should think, how you should feel about things. They’ll stalk you and try to shame you into their opinions. You’ll either become immune to their words—thicker skin—or you’ll kill everybody else in the world. Either way, problem solved.

No need to thank me.

Happy New Year.