So. Hey. Welcome to my website. C’mon in, look around, make yourself at home.

No shoes on the furniture, though; this stuff isn’t even paid for yet.

This is the Why? page, which you’ll cleverly deduce is a combination of news, updates, and a blog. And the blog part’s the one I want to talk about. I’m not a blogger. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried to be. I have stuff to say—in fact, a few might say I have way too much to say, and would I kindly sit down and zip it, thank you very much. And I am good with that because, again, NOT A BLOGGER.

But here’s the sad reality. To have a successful webpage—something I want—people need to find you and source you and, I don’t know, keep tabs on how often you fart and write about it.

For the record, farting is personal, and it’s nobody’s business how often I do it. Or if I light them. Or if I ever blamed it on somebody else because there was this girl. Nobody’s business—my farts will go with me to my grave.

If I was blogging about this, I’d probably have to include a list of the other things that would go with me to my grave. Said list would include:

• My burps;
• The stuff I wish I would have said except that I didn’t think of it until the moment had passed;
• Rubber bands;
• A vintage Nintendo 64—there is literally nothing to do in a grave and there is no cable TV;
• Drafts of blogs that didn’t make it; and
• Other stuff that’s none of your business.

All that’s to say, the people who have appointed themselves The Blog Police have determined that for me to have the web page success that I desire, I must blog. I can’t even hire someone else to blog for me because, come on, who else talks like this?

So this blog is being written under protest. I expect that subsequent blogs will be written this way as well. Under protest. To appease the shadowy government of Bloggerdom, plotting blog domination in their ivory blogging towers. Passing blog judgement on which neighborhood doughnut place has the most bloggingly correct crullers or some such thing. All the time laughing up their bloggy sleeves, confident that they have caught another helpless blog-fly in their sticky web of oversharing minutia.

I know who you are. This isn’t over.

But I digress.

Welcome to my website. Tell your friends. You might even blog about it.